Warning Signs of the Emotionally Unstable Personality

These warning signs of the emotionally unstable personality are from the emotionally unstable personality chapter in the book  Dangerous Personalities by retired FBI Special Agent Joe Navarro. I strongly encourage you to read this book if you suspect someone you are dealing with fits this personality or if you want more information on the topic.

Navarro developed his checklists as an FBI Special Agent, not a medical professional. This particular checklist will help you identify warning signs of the emotionally unstable personality and determine if someone has the features of the emotionally unstable personality and where that person falls on a continuum or spectrum (from irritating and dramatic to caustic and mercurial to threatening or dangerous). The checklist was designed to be used in everyday life. It’s not a clinical diagnostic tool.

Read each statement carefully and be honest as you check only statements that apply. If in doubt, leave it out. Some questions are intentionally repetitive, or overlap, to capture nuances of behavior based on how people typically experience or describe these personalities. Completing the entire checklist will increase its reliability.

Warning Signs of the Emotionally Unstable Personality

1. You are constantly on the defensive around this person.
2. Displays of intense anger and outbursts are disproportionate to the circumstances or the event.
3. Since knowing or entering into a relationship with this person, you have become less happy, less confident, or less sure of yourself.
4. Relationships are a roller coaster of highs and lows.
5. The person is unable to appreciate the consequences of his statements or behavior and how it may affect others, including family members or society.
6. Behaves in ways that at times are inappropriate or outrageous.
7. Seems to fall apart under stress with some frequency.
8. Arguments that should last a few minutes may go on for hours or days with no effort to ameliorate or end them.
9. Seems to play role of victim or princess with regularity.
10. Hates being alone and constantly seeks companionship.
11. Has threatened suicide.
12. Frequently displays or expresses feelings of panic, anxiety, irritability, sadness, or anger.
13. Often feels or has expressed feeling emptiness; gets bored very easily, needs excitement.
14. Intense anger has been observed toward family members.
15. There are recurrent instances of fighting, arguing, or physical confrontations with others.
16. Verbal altercations seem to be a way of life for her.
17. You can’t seem to relax, chill out, or “stand down” around this person.
18. This person has mentioned multiple times that someone or some group has it in for him and is conspiring against him.
19. Fellow workers describe her as “trouble,” “difficult to work with,” “irritating,” or “impossible.”
20. When you are around him, you feel emotionally and even physically drained.
21. After spending a few hours with her, you feel as if your world has been turned upside down. You may ask yourself: “What just happened?”
22. Those who are closest (e.g., you, family, children, spouses) routinely have to “check” to see what is the current “mood.”
23. Frantically works at avoiding real or imagined abandonment by lovers or friends.
24. At times, this person’s behavior seems theatrical or overdramatic for the circumstances.
25. Arguments are bitter and ugly – full of invective and cursing.
26. Is excessively demanding of others as it relates to favors, time, attention, or money.
27. Has thrown, torn, or broken objects out of anger or disapproval.
28. Has threatened suicide in order to avoid abandonment.
29. Rather than make amends or bring to closure, likes to wallow in argument and prolonged acrimonious discourse.
30. Is described by others as “unpredictable,” “unreliable,” or “unstable.”
31. Attachments are often made too quickly and too intensely with someone new.
32. Likes to get tattoos in order to “feel something.”
33. Is known to seek or harbor grievances for a very long time.
34. Easily denigrates or criticizes others, causing humiliation or embarrassment.
35. Claims to forgive but never does: Wrongs or injustices are remembered specifically for use in future arguments.
36. Has a short fuse, and frustration level is very low.
37. Seems incapable of consistent empathy, caring, or love.
38. It’s not uncommon to hear people say, “Don’t get upset, but…” when starting a conversation with this person.
39. There are indications that relationships are always stormy.
40. Marriage has been bitter and full of acrimony.
41. Seems to always be attracted to the wrong kind of person (criminals, drug users, thrill-seekers, or irresponsible individuals).
42. Doesn’t seem to care if others are offended by his behavior.
43. Not happy being herself – wants to be someone else.
44. Takes part in risky behavior or thrill-seeking behavior that is criminal or puts others at risk.
45. Is very sensitive to what others say and think about him – tends to lash out when criticized.
46. Changes in plans are very upsetting and cause anxiety or irritability.
47. Known to have self-inflicted injury by cutting, scratching, biting, piercing, burning, or pulling out her own hair.
48. If ignored or not treated as special, gets upset or indignant.
49. Acts as though she wants to be the center of attention – doesn’t want to feel left out.
50. Does not hesitate to lie or fabricate if it favors him.
51. You have felt reluctant to speak or take action out of fear of this person’s reactions toward you or that they may hurt themselves.
52. Known to orchestrate sympathy to get attention (e.g., feigns illness or malady).
53. Her suffering, illness, or injuries are always worse than everyone else’s.
54. Places difficult demands on the time and attention of others.
55. Uses nurturing of others as a tool to garner attention and devotion from them.
56. Has adopted children for the specific purpose of ensuring being “taken care of when old.”
57. Does not understand or practice altruistic love.
58. You feel trapped by this person in some way.
59. It seems that this person’s emotions are always so intense.
60. Is known to have unstable and intense interpersonal relationships.
61. Has complained of feeling inferior repeatedly.
62. Everything that this person does for others seems to come at a price or with strings attached.
63. Has been depressed or anxious for a long time or episodically.
64. Changes loyalties quickly, leaving you or friends frustrated and bewildered.
65. Seems to be very insecure and vigorously attempts to overcompensate.
66. Has admitted experimenting with or using “all kinds of drugs” – both in quantity and variety.
67. Has reported being emotionally out of control but can’t explain why.
68. Has threatened to hurt himself or commit suicide merely to manipulate others.
69. Associating with this person lowers your self-esteem.
70. Fears anyone getting too close or keeps people from getting too close.
71. Has complained of a persistent vague illness or condition that affects her moods or energy levels.
72. Has relationships that are intense but short-lived.
73. Self-image is seemingly unstable (doesn’t like who she is, how she looks, or where life is taking her).
74. Has an overwhelming need to be loved, adored, and cared for exclusively.
75. Claims to suffer from migraines, fibromyalgia, ulcers, colitis, irritable bowel syndrome, or frequent headaches.
76. Grown children refuse to have anything to do with this person.
77. Is very resourceful at blaming others when things go wrong.
78. Turns any criticism into countercriticism, even if it is illogical or false.
79. This person is in a constant power struggle with your or others.
80. Is stubborn and argumentative – seems to always want the last word.
81. Often exhibits poor planning (fails, for example, to bring food or water or even money for taking care of children), as if priorities are a last thought.
82. Fluctuates between extremes of idealization (loving) and devaluation (hating) of others.
83. Seems to live for the moment: There is little planning for the future (financially or with regard to work).
84. Doesn’t seem to learn from previous relationships or from life experiences.
85. Desires relationship with an “ideal person” who will be all caring, all giving, and omnipresent – at their total disposal: i.e., an idealized person who doesn’t exist.
86. When not fulfilled, becomes severely disappointed and devalues others.
87. Is impulsive as it relates to one or more areas such as promiscuous sex, unrestrained spending, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating, gambling, excessive drinking, or risk taking.
88. Even after a short meeting, this person causes you or others to feel anxious, troubled, angry, or infuriated.
89. Is constantly looking for excuses or cabals within organizations that are out to get her or keep her from being promoted or recognized.
90. Intentionally seeks a relationship with someone who is married or already in a relationship.
91. Dates have complained about feeling odd or that something is wrong or weird, even after a short date.
92. “Psycho” or “nuts” is a term you or others have used to describe this individual.
93. Seems capricious and temperamental without cause.
94. Has turned against loved ones dramatically without reasonable cause.
95. If in therapy, has turned against the therapist, despite having previously praised the therapist.
96. Likes the “fast” unencumbered life or engages in irresponsible behavior.
97. Has failed to comply with obligations such as getting heating oil, paying bills, or paying taxes – despite having money.
98. Her own children seem to be an inconvenience to her rather than a joy.
99. Uses humiliation as a form of punishment.
100. Has neglected children to hang out with friends, party, or go drinking.
101. Has a history of attracting too many men, and often the wrong kind of men.
102. Children complain about being ignored, ridiculed, or even abused by her at home.
103. Seems emotionally distant, even when trying to be close.
104. Has repeatedly accused you of being the cause of his problems or unhappiness.
105. Feels secure and happy with an entourage or a group – doesn’t like to be alone.
106. There seems to always be tension (almost everything is taken negatively) in her life.
107. Seems temperamentally sensitive.
108. Has placed demands on you to take sides against someone else.
109. Seems impervious to acts of kindness or generosity even from people who care or have tried to help.
110. Seems hyperalert to signs of abandonment or of losing someone.
111. Has reported anxiety or depression at various times in the past.
112. Has repeatedly stalked someone or has repeatedly harassed someone from his or her past.
113. Refuses to let scabs on the skin heal (picks at them even in public); pricks skin with sharp objects when stressed.
114. Is seemingly unable to control outbursts of anger or animosity.
115. Has been diagnosed as anorexic or suffering from bulimia nervosa.
116. Two or more nonclinical terms such as “horrible,” “bitchy,” “psycho,” “impossible,” “nut job,” “crazy,” or “wacko” have been used to describe this person.
117. Has joined a cult or claims to have a guru, master, or coach, which she follows without question.
118. You feel you have to walk on eggshells around this person.
119. Is known to be afflicted with a personality disorder such as but not limited to histrionic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, or paranoid personality disorder.
120. Has physically hit a spouse or lover on more than one occasion when angry.
121. Has been diagnosed as being bipolar, manic/depressive, or as having severe mood swings.
122. Has talked about or has actually physically retaliated against someone (let air out of tires, scratched a car door with a key, send hate mail, etc.).
123. Has gone to great effort or expense or traveled great distances to follow, observe, or harass someone.
124. At work, has displayed intense anger toward fellow workers.
125. Has vandalized or destroyed property of a former co-worker, friend, roommate, lover, or family member.

Scoring

• Count how many statements apply to this individual based on the criteria discussed at the beginning of this checklist.
• If you find that this individual has 15 to 35 of these features, this is a person who will occasionally take an emotional toll on others and may be difficult to live or work with.
• If the score is 36 to 65, this indicates that the individual has all the features of and behaves as an emotionally unstable personality. This person needs help and will cause turmoil in the life of anyone close to him or her.
• If the score is above 65, this person has a preponderance of the major features of an emotionally unstable personality and is an emotional, psychological, financial, or physical danger to himself or herself or to others.

Immediate Actions

If you are involved with an emotionally unstable personality, realize that these individuals need help from professionals who know how to deal with this kind of complex and conflicted personality. It can take a long time, but if they are willing to be helped, they can be helped. Be careful though, you might be attacked for reaching out to them, and in turn they can make you miserable.

You need to look out for yourself or you might end up needing professional assistance. Remember this if you start feeling irritable, upset, angry or depressed when with this kind of person.

One thing you can do is set strict boundaries. If they violate these boundaries and continue to traumatize you, distancing yourself is your next option. If you continue to associate with this person, don’t be surprised if the behaviors continue.

If the person is considering, talking about, or threatening to harm himself, call 911. You want professionals to handle this. If you have children, they need to be protected against this personality, so take steps to protect yourself and any loved ones.

I encourage you to read Dangerous Personalities by Joe Navarro for more advice on how to deal with this kind of person in your life.